Liking These Apples

I saw a post from @fiveminutejournal on social media the other day that said, “You are the greatest project you will ever work on.”

I love this idea of yourself as a work in progress, continually evolving over time. Like a plant that is repotted as it grows or an oil painting that has more layers of color added to it. I often say, “When I grow up, I want to …” and I’m met with surprise and laughter at the phrase. But it’s true. Although I am an adult, I don’t consider myself grown up. The term “grown up” implies that I am finished growing and I am very much not. (At least I hope I’m not).

Thus far, my thirties have been a decade devoted to myself. Although unintentional, I have focused much of my time and energy on myself (all that time spent at home should be good for something). I would like to take a moment to celebrate my self-victories in hopes that it will help you acknowledge your own.

Age 30

• I reached out through my work employee assistance program for counseling. This was largely unsuccessful, but I give myself credit for trying.

• I started weight lifting 1-2 times per week using our home gym with Drake as my guide.

• I started a bullet journal to track my healthy eating, step goals, doggie walks, and cardio.

Age 31

• With the help of some knowledgeable friends, I successfully found a psychologist and began counseling. (see my Psyching Myself Up post for resources for Edmonton area psychologists).

• I increased my weight lifting to 3 times per week still with Drake as my guide.

• I underwent a laser eye surgery touch up for my left eye (see my Laser Eyes post for more information). I had thought about getting my eye touched up for a long time and it was such a relief to be able to do it.

Age 32

• I am still accessing support from my psychologist, but much less frequently. We have reduced our sessions from bi-weekly to every 6-8 weeks or so for maintenance.

• I am currently beta testing a women’s weight lifting program, which requires me to weight lift 4 times per week (more to come on this later).

• I began laser hair removal, something I have wanted to do for several years and kept putting off.

• I bought a bra that actually fits me!

Although it sounds insignificant, buying a bra that actually fits me is the thing I am the most proud of. Those who know me well, know that my balcony does not seat very many people. In other words, I am an obvious member of the itty bitty titty committee (IBTC). I have always been quite self conscious of my chest, or lack thereof. Teenage me was confident that I would undergo surgery to enhance my bust when I was "grown up."

Bra shopping has always been difficult for me. Any time I have summoned up enough courage to go through the humiliation of a bra sizing, I have been dissatisfied. All attempts have ended with me standing in front of a stranger half naked with them saying something along the lines of, "Well, does it fit?" Dear sales associate, that's why I asked you. I thought it was your job to help me figure that out?! In their defense, very rarely do the models or the staff that work at the popular lingerie stores have bodies or chests like mine.

This year, I decided it was time to find a "good bra" that fits me. I ordered one online from an popular underwear company. The description said, "designed especially for those of us with smaller bands and cups." Unfortunately, that did not include me. Although the band fit, the cups were huge and gaping. Fortunately, the company was super cool about returning the bra. In fact, they refunded me my money, but encouraged me to donate the bra instead of asking me to ship it back to them! While I really like their underwear and their business model, I don't feel they can offer me much in the bra department.

On the heels of this disappointment, I broke down and googled "bras for small chests." The first result hooked me. They advertised "bras designed for AA, A and B cups" so that women can "feel good in their own skin [without an] "expensive, unnecessary boob job." Clearly Google has been eavesdropping on my conversations. Their bras looked cute and like they would actually fit me. Although it pains me to spend $50 USD per bra, I ordered two in different styles. When they arrived, I recruited Drake for the unveiling (Is it veiling since I'm covering up the girls?). I had him check me out in my previous, ill-fitting bra and then review the sizing guidelines with me. Band straight and leveled? Check. Any cup gaping or spillage? Nope. Center bridge laying flat? Yup. Both new bras fit me better than any other bra I've ever had! If anyone else is in the same boat, let me know, I'll send you a code for 20% off! (This content isn't sponsored, I'm not nearly popular enough. However, I am genuinely pleased with this company and their product).

This is a big deal for me. Five years ago, I never would have asked my partner to watch me try on bras. Not because he would be uncomfortable, but because I would have been. Even though he has totally seen be naked and knows exactly what I'm bringing to the table (or not bringing). I am slowly becoming more comfortable and confident in my own skin. I am working hard at embracing my shape (or lack thereof) instead of camouflaging it behind heavily padded underwired monstrosities. No longer am I thinking about surgery to modify, but instead I am realizing that I can still be attractive and feminine with my tiny curves.

Here's to acknowledging and celebrating personal victories! Is there something you have been putting off doing? Maybe now is the time. You can do the hard things! (If now isn't the time, that's okay too. Maybe you're already doing the hard things).

Best,

Laura